Smart Toilets

apologies in advance

Because I am a loyal Costco member, I get sales emails from them. Recently, I received an advertisement for a “smart toilet.” Because I have a rather vivid imagination, and because some horrific ideas came to mind, I clicked on it to see to what extent my horror was justified.

As it turned out, one of my fears was unwarranted, which was that, like a smart refrigerator and smart oven, you could control it from your phone, and therefore be aware of every time it was in use, how it was being used, and what had been deposited in it. And that you might even be able to flush it from a distance. I am relieved to find that this is not the case—from what I can tell the smart toilet does not have its own internet address. Phew. Although there is a remote, so it apparently does have the ability to communicate locally.

I would like to say here that I do not own any “smart” appliances, nor does Alexa or Google have a presence in my home; no robotic vacuums are operated from my phone so that the entire world can hack the layout of my house. I confess that when I am away from home, I have occasional conversations with Siri, and occasional one-sided conversations with a GPS voice, who I have named Bernadette. But my house, as much as I can possibly contrive it, is Battlestar Galactica.

But there were a number of horrors remaining: For example, the cover of the smart toilet “automatically rises when your presence is detected.” This means that if you walk into the bathroom, whether to use the smart toilet or merely to wash your hands, the lid of the toilet will rise to greet you. I find this creepy. It should also be noted that only the lid rises. Meaning, If you are a guy, you would, in most cases, have to lift the seat yourself anyway. I guess the toilet isn’t smart enough to identify..…never mind. So, I ask, what’s the actual point of raising the lid? I think really they are just showing off at this point.

The toilet includes an “integrated personal cleansing bidet.” This is of course admirable, and that is really plenty of information for me. However, if one reads the reviews about this feature, there is definitely too much information provided, regarding the effects of strength and settings of spray (including massage feature), and dryer (cringe). I will relate no more, other than to say that apparently the dryer part requires you to press the stop button for it to stop drying you.

Also, there is a control panel, a seat warmer (urggh), and a seat light, so that when you visit the smart toilet at night, there is no need to turn on the bathroom light, since not only is the toilet its own beacon, but it will be lifting its lid to welcome you, and all of your efforts will be illuminated. I believe the toilet itself is bolted down, otherwise I would be in fear of it getting up on little legs and following you around, kind of like the sapient pearwood trunk in Sir Terry Pratchett books.

I am not sure why there is a remote. As you can see, the remote is right there next to the toilet itself. To what use could you put it? As noted, there are controls on the toilet itself. Other than, perhaps, to sneak it out of the bathroom, wait until someone else is in there, and then wreak havoc as they are using the toilet, like waving the lid, initiating the bidet feature at an unexpected time, flushing unexpectedly, or drying them before they are ready to be dried. There are, I’m sorry to say, people in this world who would find this amusing.

I thought my existing toilet was quiet smart, actually, and didn’t realize there was a whole Mensa club for toilets. My toilet has a clever lever which can be used to flush away the bowl contents, whenever you want it to. It automatically refills with clean enough water that the dog doesn’t mind drinking it. It has a lid, which, if you start it, slowly lowers itself so as not to pinch anything that might be between the toilet seat and the lid. And it has no gender preference—it lets you decide what should be lifted or not lifted. My toilet is also very patient, and is content to sit for hours on end, just waiting to be visited, without needing to wave it’s lid or light up to try to get my attention. This means that I can come into the bathroom to wash my hands without being solicited to do anything further.

I do feel, however, after reading the Costco ad, that I have been enlightened to some extent. Although I have known for a long time that people often have a side we don’t see, I have frankly never pictured any of my acquaintances using a smart toilet. I had not realized that there may be people that I know who own a toilet that raises its lid when they enter the bathroom and that they may come home to toilets that wave hello to them, and light up when they appear, kind of like a welcoming robot dog. I have had to adjust my view of humanity, yet again.